A Caterpillar Emerges Into A Butterfly: One Woman’s Struggle With Grief

Sue Silverman recently participated in an eight-week bereavement support group through JFS’s Rafael Spiritual Healing Center. Sue’s daughter, Sarah, lost her three-year battle with Leukemia 10 years ago at the age of 16. During the years that Sarah was sick, Sue did absolutely everything she could to keep Sarah healthy, including spending many months in Durham, North Carolina for a cord blood transplant and chemo and radiation treatments at Duke University (staying in a Ronald McDonald House). Sue’s life centered around her daughter for those three years and when Sarah passed on, Sue’s life essentially stopped.

“Sarah died at home on Shabbat,” Sue recalls tearfully. “I could feel her soul leave her body and I saw my mother and grandmother waiting for her. After that, I don’t remember much. I was basically comatose for the next several years.” For years following Sarah’s death, Sue saw numerous psychiatrists and was on and off many types of anti-depressants, but nothing worked for her. To make matters worse, a year after Sarah passed away, Sue was diagnosed with breast cancer. With the support of her family, she went to LA for surgery and treatment. Fortunately, she has been in remission for the past nine years.

During Sue’s struggle with depression and other mental health issues, she got involved in “Bosom Buddies,” a group for people with breast cancer. “I became very active in this group - attended support group meetings, helped with fundraising, and served on the board,” says Sue. This group was in Phoenix, Arizona, where the family lived at the time. Then, three years ago, Sue’s aunt moved to Denver to be with her two children. Since Sue and her husband, Barry had no family left in Phoenix, they decided to move to Denver as well.

“As it turns out, I was not ready to cut my strings in Phoenix,” says Sue. “With my involvement in “Bosom Buddies” I had finally started feeling good again and then we moved to Denver, I felt lost and completely stuck in my grief for Sarah. Shortly after we moved, I saw an article in the newspaper about the Rafael Spiritual Healing Center bereavement support groups, but I was not ready at the time to tackle my grief.”

Sue continues, “I basically hid when we moved here. I stopped our traditional weekly dinners with my family and I couldn’t unpack any of our boxes.” This past September, Sue realized she needed help and sought out a psychiatrist. She was referred to a psychiatric resident who diagnosed Sue with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety disorder, and depression. With the psychiatrist’s help, Sue realized that the PTSD and other issues stemmed back to her mother’s illness and death more than 14 years ago. “My mother was sick for one year with cancer and handled it with humor and grace,” explains Sue. “Sarah saw all that and I believe that Mom got sick to show Sarah how to handle her illness.” Sue’s role as both her mother’s and daughter’s primary caretaker had taken more of a toll on her than she realized.

The psychiatrist conducted a blood test that showed that Sue’s body doesn’t metabolize serotonin in drugs, which is why none of the anti-depressants she had tried over the past 10 years had worked for her. The doctor then put her on an anti-depressant that has been around for more than 40 years, that doesn’t contain serotonin, and Sue felt like a different person. “I finally felt ready to unpack boxes in my house, face my grief, and move on with my life,” says Sue. Shortly after that, a friend reminded her of the bereavement support group at JFS and Sue felt it was the right time to try it.

“The group came at just the right time in my life and helped me tremendously,” Sue says enthusiastically. “I was stuck in my grief for 10 years and needed a way to move past it and get closure for Sarah’s death.” For various reasons, the Silvers never had an unveiling for Sarah (the Jewish ceremony that typically takes place 11 months after one’s death to unveil the headstone at the grave), and therefore didn’t feel that they got closure.

During the bereavement group, Sue told the other participants that when she and Sarah were in North Carolina for Sarah’s treatments, they went to a new butterfly house exhibit at a local museum. “Sarah was fascinated by the butterfly house and we all just loved it,” recalls Sue. “The group participants encouraged me to create a butterfly garden in memory of Sarah, which I thought was a great idea!”

Upon completion of the eight-week bereavement group, Sue created the garden in her yard. Rabbi Baskin, JFS community chaplain and co-facilitator of the group, led a dedication ceremony for friends and family. “At the ceremony, we stood in a circle holding purple and white balloons,” says Rabbi Baskin. “Sue and others shared about the living legacy of Sarah, who, like a butterfly led a short but brilliant life. I then led the group in a reflection, we chanted the shehecheyanu (a prayer to thank G-d for bringing us to this occasion), and released the balloons.”

“When the Rabbi said the shehecheyanu, I felt a great sense of relief and closure,” says Sue. “I strongly believe that the bereavement group helped me move past my grief more than anything else, especially because I was finally at a place in my life that I was ready for the group.”

Rabbi Baskin adds, “Just as a caterpillar emerges into the new life of a butterfly, Sue emerged from her grief to blossom once again as a balabusta (a homemaker who fulfills the household duties for the family, its spiritual bonding, and helps its members hold together) with the support of the spiritual bereavement group, family, and friends. It is such a sacred privilege helping people, like Sue, work through their tears of complex grief to re-enter a life of service and beauty.”

For more information on the Spiritual Healing Bereavement Support Groups at JFS, please contact Cynthia Heller at (303) 597.5000 x392.